Contact Your Inner Caveman, For The Greater Good

The METROSEXUAL. Not the hidden sexual perversion it may seem. It is fast becoming the pretender to throne of The Alpha-Male.

Once upon a time, it was considered the norm(if not expected) to be dirty, sweaty, smelly, unkempt and rude. If these glorious qualities didnt get you a mate, you found the nearest female, clubbed her over the head and returned to your patch of the cave and kept her there until she developed a type of Stockholm Syndrome.

These days, in order to aquire something relating in status to a wife or girlfriend, you need to be clean, tidy, well dressed, witty and intelligent. You have to earn decent money, be able to look after yourself, as well as the lady in question, and any potential children which may appear in the future.

Gone are the days when you could stroll around wearing scant more than a smile and your own back hair. A chap walking around like that in those heady fays of 10,000 BC would be a stunning candidate for the procreation of the species. Walk around like that these days and you'll be locked up in a padded cell with a straight jacket for warmth.

I'm almost certain that I was born out of my time. If I dont have to be seen in public, I'll often choose to not even get dressed, let alone shower or comb my hair. The moment I know I have to step outside, I'll bow down to the socially acceptable appearance that the casual observer sees. I'm more than happy to sit in my own squalor, provided its my squalor. Were I born in my true era, that filth would be brushed into the fire at the cave opening to keep me warm.

Dont take all this to mean that I am a disgusting person. I am. But for all intents and purposes, I keep my social spaces clean and tidy so that other non-caveman types wont turn their noses up. Its not an acceptance thing, its just easier.

I often find myself thinking in Neanderthal man ways(I'd like to think so, not just I have an under-evolved brain) about how things can be done. A lot of the wise-arse remarks made to people about sexual practise involve clubs and caves. Far more than is natural.

If I encounter things which I find difficult(physical tasks, not crosswords and sudokus) then I furrow my brow and grunt. Sometimes emphatically. I quit often beat my chest one or two times in triumph. I genuinly cannot envision myself living past the age of 40, the average Neanderthal's life expectancy.

I often create tools out of other ojects in a vain attempt at making my life easier, but they are often clumsy. I dont care for jewellery, or other such flashy objects. I can make fire from sticks, pieces of flint and other such fun shit.

Am I a caveman, or am I just very odd? I find it increasingly hard to distinguish one from the other. I havent actually clubbed a lady over the head and dragged her back to my cave, mainly because I'm too lazy for the dragging, and its not a very easy thing to explain to the police, one imagines.

Sod it. I might go out and create fire, skin some animals and go live in a park. Best make sure the park has wi-fi. I'm a caveman, but I have to be in touch. I suppose plug sockets wouldnt go amiss.

Best bit of all that would be I would be able to start my own caveman tribe. I'd be the tribal elder, I could command my peaons to gather me things.

I am the Swandanavian Alpha-Male, and The Universe is right within our cave.