This morning I was confronted by a beast.

No, I'm not referring to that most awkward of social faux pas the Morning Wood, I am in fact referring to my cat.

Now, many of you would imagine a cat to be a small, loving, friendly animal.

You would imagine wrong.

My cat has the very essence of Lucifur within its claws and teeth.

I have to allow her to sleep on my bed, or else I will be taken away from this life and never heard from again.

In her sleep, she claws, scratches and bites me. I built her a box to sleep in or on or whatever her ladyship desires, but that is not enough. It musy be MY bed, which is now HER bed.

She has the ability to knock you stone dead with a look. I am of the firm belief that I have only made it this far by being the one who feeds her a tin of tuna on occasion, because she is too idle to go fishing for herself.

She has been known to bring gifts, in her youth, of dead birds. What a loving cat. She's trying to feed us.

Altogether now, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Now, I watched her "catch" these birds in the garden. She does not pounce, she waits until the eggs have hatched and knocks the neses to the ground.

My cat is evil, and she must be punished for her ways. But for fucks sake, dont tell her I told you to, I'll be killed.