I'm not terribly photogenic.

This is something I knew anyway. I'm not a pretty person, and I have, in the past, been likened to a troll.

That suits me just nicely, means all the gayers stay away from me and my rear end.


I noticed something else recently too. I were out and about in Londinium in early March, and I were destined for a meet-up with a few people from a message board in honour of a Canadian girl coming across and being entrusted by her parents into our somewhat atrocious levels of care.

At a point early in our excursion, we were all stood at Trafalger Square and some clever soul suggested a photograph to document the day a 15 year old blonde girl was corrupted by the influence of numerous elder males of assorted states of normality.

Now, I'm a fan of photography, but not being on the business end of being photographed. I'll happily stand behind the camera and snap away for hours and hours, but the minute someone suggests my mug getting on a roll of film and I try to hide under the pavement.

Whilst I accept some photos need to be taken(weddings, drunken states, other rubbish) some are just not needed. Least of all with me in them.

And so, onto my point here.

At high school, the pupils must have garnered a reputation for buggering about with subsitute teachers. We were bullied into having our pictures taken ready for registers and so on where we could be identified as "The Naughty Ones" or the "Not So Naughty Ones" or something equally demeaning and shite.

Obviously, being 100% purebred Uggo, I was an obvious memory bank for a name. Or so you'd think. Spellings of my name(2 R's, 1 N), remembering my face without looking at the page, and on one odd occasion, forgetting how to pronounce my name entirely.

Couple this with being a Noisy Shouty Person™ in class, and being a fat bugger too, I was a prime candidate for being remembered. Not one sub teacher could place my mug shot 5 minutes after I'd left the room.

Many would see this as an oppurtunity for extreme naawtyness, but not me. No, this was a challenge.

Amid tasks of complete buffoonery, and ignoring the teachers words, I'd often ask with a completely unrelated question(Teacher: "Today we will be doing some physics" Me: "Is the black bit in a maggot its brain or a baby fly") Still I was unnoticable.

This all came to a head one day when I was in rather a lot of trouble for not actually doing anything wrong, an injustice of the playground.

We had a particularly evil teacher called Mr. Newcombe(I'm still convinced he only became a teacher so he could seek revenge on those whom he imagined to bully him) and one day he took offence to the way I breathed, apparently.

Now, I was furious that this big shiny headed wanker was having a go at me for literally doing nothing wrong. I was on my way to the canteen(it being lunch and all) and he started off on one at me. "Fuck this" thinks I, "I'm not in the mood for this shit"

Now, I was being co-operative, told him my name and all sorts. I was a model reprobate. And yet somehow, he was STILL insistant upon tearing me a new one.

But still I let him carry on. I get dragged up to his office. At which point I get a little peeved. I was more than willing to walk on my own accord, but instead I was dragged. The twat. So I get all nasty myself now. Openly questioning his parenthood, asking him why he is such a "shiny headed cunt" and all that sort of stuff.

We get to his office, and I'm all calm again. He asks me my name(AGAIN, WTF?? I TOLD YOU 30 SECONDS AGO, DICKHEAD), but I tell him my actual real name(first time for everything). He asks what tutor group I was in, I tell him. He asks me why I'm feeding him false information. I explain to him that I am not, he must just have shitty computers with nothing on them except solitaire and minesweeper.

He sends me away before he "really loses his temper" with me.

A full hour and a half later and he comes back to get me. Asks me to collect my stuff and come with him. Fair one, maths is crap anyway. Off I trot, safe in the knowledge that a bollocking is awaiting.

I get back to his office, where I am ordered to work for the rest of the day(a whole half an hour, well played that idiot). As I go to leave, I'm asked why I gave him false information and then carried on lying to him after he asked me time and time again. The cunt tried to give me detention every day for 3 months for insulting him, his family and his profession. Fucking wank.

Turns out that my photo had been deleted somehow, and replaced by someone elses.

I'll swear blind that I had nothing to do with it, but I've been known to give false information before.